Playback speed

Share post at current time

Share from 0:00

0:00

VOL II CHAPTER 18: Miracle-Making Pt 1

Talking to the cancer in the body

Jun 04, 2023

I talk a lot about talking to cancer when it appears in your body, to ask it why it’s in your life. What is asking to be healed, what is it that needs to come to peace? About finding all the places in you and your life where there is not love and where more love is called for. It was one of the first things I did when I was diagnosed back in 2020.

I’ve also talked a lot about my desire and my intention to make a miracle. For me, Stage 4 is a label that the medical profession has put on me because they don’t have the ability to ‘cure’ me, and I refuse to accept what the ultimate conclusion of a Stage 4 label means. There are many who thrive past a Stage 4 diagnosis. There are many people who have healed themselves in miraculous ways. And I have always believed that I can do that for me too.

This belief has been strengthened by what I’ve watched my body do over the last 9 months. This body has rejected almost everything that I’ve put into her - whether medical or non-medical. The message I’ve been getting is “leave me alone because I know how to heal”.

I’ve come to realise that my miracle is not going to come from something external to me. It’s not going to come from a tablet or a pill, it’s going to come from a change in my consciousness.

For that to happen I need to go up a notch from where I am: the belief system that I hold to be true, the way I’m looking at myself, the way I’m approaching this tango with cancer. I need to stop searching for something outside of myself. I need to stop going down all these dead ends and reading books.

The answer, the cure, the Power is in me.

It’s time for me to go to another level - to exist in the consciousness of miraculous thinking.

That’s where I am after 9 months of exploring and trying everything.

So I asked a friend who has super-spiritual superpowers to help me with this process. I felt that I couldn’t get to an understanding of what was really going on, on my own.

So through her I had a very deep conversation with what I thought at the time, was the energy of cancer. More on that later, because I’m not sure any more that that’s what it was…

It went on for about 90 minutes, but what I’m publishing here is a very condensed version of the dialogue - because you don’t want 90 minutes of that in your inbox.

She and I are sitting across from each other.

I watched as the energy that is her disappeared, and an entirely different energy came through. Her whole body changed.

She kept saying “I’m very tired” - over and over. I watched as lay down on the floor and curled up into a ball, because she didn’t even have the energy to sit upright.

Her eyes closed.

It was clear to me that the energy of this thing was weak, it was hanging on by a thread. It had no power left in it. It wanted to be finished off.

I started asking it questions…

Why did you come into my life?

Cancer is in service of the light
The suffering got so bad that the cancer stepped in
If you keep suffering you will die
So you must heal yourself

This resonated deeply. I’ve written extensively about how any illness is a call to healing. I wrote last week about the suffering in my own life, that had gone on for decades. And how I’ve always felt there is a strong correlation between existential and spiritual suffering and illness that manifests in the body.

Then it said:

When I first arrived I scared the shit out of you
That made you choose how you’re going respond
Are you going into fear or love?

Looking back on when I heard the words “you have breast cancer” I went straight into fear. It was terror, mostly I think it due to the fear of death that’s associated with the word cancer. I thought at the time that I was reacting with love, but truthfully my body was full of fear.

Why did you come back?

You hadn’t leant to love yourself
You would have got stuck in ego

This is very very true.

When I read VOLUME 1, and reflect back on how I carried myself the first time around, I think I felt that I had something to prove - that I could still be the alpha female who works and powerlifts even throughout breast cancer. Whilst there’s so much grace and beauty and love in the book that I wrote, and I’m still very proud of it, if I’m honest with myself, there was also still a lot of ego. Look at me! I can still do all these things while I have breast cancer!

When I read my writings from the last 9 months - VOLUME II - they’re almost exclusively about love: healing, forgiveness, learning to love yourself. Just love. There’s been a major transition in me between the stage 2 cancer experience, and the stage 4 cancer experience. I’ve gone deeply into Love.

What happened on that day that I felt death coming for me?

(You can read about that experience HERE)

You made the choice to change the timeline

So if I hadn’t made that choice I would have died?

Yes

I asked this question because there was a bit of me that had doubts about whether it was in fact death that had visited. I started to wonder if I had imagined it because I was in a state of fever. Or if my ego had made up the story to make myself feel good - with me as the heroine that had faced and defeated death.

There was a long silence at this point. It was the start of the main realisation I got from this conversation - that I, that we all, have a lot more Power than we understand. And that very often we’re terrified to acknowledge it.

These last 9 months, what has kept me alive? What has worked?

You, your will
And that fucking celery juice - I hate it - add in an apple too

I asked this because I’ve done so many things, I wanted to know, which, if any, had been worth it. The answer I got to this question was a mind-blowing moment, where all the pennies started dropping. Because I had been crediting others with that fact that I had survived, with ‘saving’ my life. My oncologist. The chemo. The diet changes. My friends.

But I had never realised so fully that it was me. I saved my life. Of course, I’ve benefitted from the support of my oncologist and friends, but it was me - I decided to live. It was me who faced death in the face and said no I’m not coming with you, I’m staying here. It is me who has brought myself back from the brink of life and death. This realisation of the Power that I have has been part of the purpose of the whole experience: it’s been an opportunity for me to finally find and start using my Power.

I sat with that for a few minutes and let it sink in.

And then it said, out of the blue…

But now you have to kill me

This is where it takes a really interesting turn, because I said:

I don’t want to kill you, you’re a part of me.

I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. I started crying at the realisation of how tightly woven I was with the idea and the entity and the energy of cancer. I found it fascinating observing myself in this moment. Why was I crying at the idea of letting go of something that would ultimately kill me?

This is how strong a connection we can make to an illness and how hard it can be to heal from anything, whether physical or psychological. Because this thing becomes a part of our identity. And it’s very very hard to let it go.

So as I’m crying because I’m being told I have to sever the connection to this thing, my friend who had previously looked weak and fragile, came to life, sat up with wide eyes and the most intense stare and said:

You MUST kill me
Either you kill me or I kill you

And this is when I snapped myself out of this state that I was in of ‘you’re a part of me and I can’t kill you’, and remembered that my intention is to live.

It went on:

Don’t love me
If you love me you can’t get rid of me
And then I will kill you

After some more silence it quietly said something beautiful..

We were a good team
We did a really good job together
It doesn’t happen very often, but I can leave knowing that I did a good job

By which it meant, it had done a great job, together we had done a great job, of returning me to love, to reminding me that I am Love. I had been returned to my Power, to my Truth.

And at that moment I thought “Fuck Yeah. We have done a really good job. I’ve done a really good job.”

It was confirmation that these last 9 months have been worth it.

Then we had to get down to business.

When are you going to kill me?

I can’t do it now, I’m too tired. I’ll do it tomorrow morning

Make sure you do a good job, do it quickly, make sure it is finished, make sure it is done

Because I’m a dragon, I said no problem, I’ll bring my big dragon sword, I’ll make it quick and we’ll do it properly

And make sure you give me a good funeral, I want a funeral
Also, I want you to write about this, it’s important for others to know

Which I took to mean it’s important to let others know they have the power to heal themselves, and to end their own suffering too. So here I am doing just that, faithfully recounting a surreal conversation at the risk of sounding mad.

Ok, we will finish this off tomorrow, and we will make it beautiful.

And then it will be done.

I said at the beginning that I thought I was having a conversation with the cancer.

Now, I wonder if I was actually having a conversation with myself…

If I was getting ready on a human level to sever the bit of me that had become too tightly woven into the idea of cancer as my identity - Cancer Jane.

I wonder if it was a conversation between my ego-mind and my soul - if it was my ego saying “I’m really tired and it’s time for you to kill me, so this can all be done and you can Live”. That some bits of me - ideas, illusions - were getting ready to die so that I could go on and live in the realms of miraculous thinking.

This will go down as one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life.

TO BE CONTINUED…